Saddle Up!

I am practicing my Inner Warrior Goddess contemplation. The inner warrior is well-recognized, but the goddess thing, not so much.  The spirit is willing, and all that - I have admired, and I hope, have established a matriarchal model.  My Mom and her sisters inspired all of us girls in the family to be strong, opinionated and sure of ourselves, and inspired the boys to seek strong women.  I am a strong woman, thanks to their example.   But lately, I have felt that I am need of polishing my goddess crown, so I am reading "Training Your Inner Warrior Goddess."  As with many books of its ilk, I find the whole of it a bit annoying, if not cloying.  But hey, I have also recognized that much of my life is spent in an other-directed fashion, and the book may be a valid tool.

The first exercise, "Commit To Yourself," is predictable:  honor yourself and who you are, set boundaries, etc.  And it has been those things that need work.  I have moved back to my childhood home county and my "self" is suffering a personality disorder.  I'm from the Midwest.  We are self-effacing to a fault, and although we were encouraged not to hide our light under a basket, we were also schooled in not putting ourselves forward. Huge inner conflict.   I'm Catholic - we're a guilty bunch, and have the example of the Blessed Virgin Mary to contemplate.  Living for others, self-sacrifice, being "nice" all chip away at the inner goddess. ( I'm going to have to give her a name, I expect.)  In addition to being in a negative environment (schadenfreude rules), I have a new dependent:  my sister.  She's in poor health, she's needy, she's crazy-making.  Boundaries are set, boundaries are crossed, tempers flare.  My better self is not always on display.

Add to this a new relationship - I hate that word.  But I digress.  Who am I in this relationship?  I avoid conflict, and in so doing, exhibit the hated passive/aggressive pattern I disdain.  I have discovered that over a lifetime of relationships with both men and women, I will choose the path of least resistance until I'm totally pissed off.  It's easier for me to accommodate, adjust, realign.  So I bury my preferences, my priorities.  I still achieve them, just manage to go at it indirectly.

So I'm trying to be more assertive, speaking my mind without rancor, saying "I want this." I'm going to overdress because that's how I dress, maybe even wear my signature hats.  I am going to read my poetry out loud.  In public.

Exercise One:  Who are your female role models?  Mom and the Aunts, Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, Odetta, the Benedictine nuns I have known; Marianne Moore, Cher (seriously), Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn and the early cowgirls of the American West.  Especially the cowgirls.

Saddle up!